BONHEUR ALPACAS

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March 29 2018

Posted on 29/03/2018 by Nigel under Bonheur Banter

Ta daa………… the wanderer returns, or should that be turns up like a bad penny? Do you remember me? if not no worries, this will all be new to you then…..good luck if you stick with it!  I hadn’t actually ‘wandered’ anywhere, well only offline I suppose but three months of ignoring your goodselves is not playing the game really is it?……my appologies. Explanation as to why……..err, no, sorry I have no idea just seem to have been tied up with doing too much other stuff that involved the computer (my pet hate, spawn of the devil etc  etc) that everyday by the time we’d finished the daily tasks I couldn’t raise the motivation to do the blog……gotta get outside and do manual things, even in the cold and rain it beats sitting at a computer!

           I’ve managed to create some extra ‘free time’ to whitter on now by the simple expedient of ‘self harming’ and invaliding myself out of the day to day running of life around the farm by using the easy ploy of tripping over and throwing oneself to the ground…….don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier, so easy to do but a tad risky if not done correctly.

 Firstly one must find a suitable spot for a likely ‘trip hazard’, I chose inside our sheep barn which has a good hard floor interspersed with random bits of stone embedded in it just high enough to catch out the unwary…. next one must have an audience to witness said accidental trip, I nearly failed on this aspect due to Eve just leaving the barn to feed the chickens as I launched myself, but luckily the alpacas are all extremely well trained in observation of strange human antics and all stood humming and staring fixedly down as I flapped around on the ground like a stunned possom. Their obvious concern bought Eve back to help drag me to my feet, not that she wasn’t sniggering , I saw you!

 Secondly one must instantly brush oneself down whilst looking for a suitable scapegoat to blame for said tumble, any alpaca from the group in the barn would be ideal for this as one cannot be seen to have tripped for no other reason than clumsiness or old age incompetance! Now that the groundwork has been laid (pun intended) for the ‘accident’ it is neccessary to milk any injury for all it is worth to ensure one be signed off work duties for the forseeable future, see step three.

 Step three is to be unable to walk properly when attempted, clinging onto fence posts,railings etc and expelling loud “Oww’s and Aaars” and sharp intakes of pained breath at each step should enforce the need for possible medical attention, but do not under any circumstances suggest this course of action yet and point blankly refuse any medical help if it is offered, a stiff upper lip is the english way and must be stuck to at all costs, “I’m fine, just a minor bump, nothing to see here,move along please”, a good ploy now is to acquiesce albeit reluctantly that maybe a lie down for a while might be in order and of course a good old mug of tea would make all things right again and I’ll be back to my jobs in a short while.

   Step four follows a couple of hours later when trying to get up from ones curative rest only to discover a worsening of the situation and a raised pain level, at this point it will now be acceptable to agree to a doctor being summon’d to make an examination of possible injury but be aware that one must not over play the situation, one is not looking for hospitalisation, just a professional confirmation of an injury requiring a certain ammount of bedrest and regular cups of tea when required. Depending on ones doctor and his available time one may just be awarded some pain killers and advised to rest, which is ok but only likely to bring a very short work respite, not ideal!  If on the other hand ones doctor is a trifle more amenable he may well demand an x-ray of the offending joint which can then involve the need for an ambulance, lots of bustiling around  by people in hi-vis jackets and general consternation from ones neighbours, especially if there are flashing lights as well.

 

   Step five is the only slight downside of the plan as it does involve an awful lot of hanging around in odd hospital rooms, never ending questions and form filling and the very undignified hospital gown that leaves very little to the imagination……and probably scares the b-jesus out of anyone who unsuspectedly sees you!  Just rest confident that all this will help your case for time off work and there should be no danger of anything untoward being discovered on the x-rays anyway so there will be no danger of a long internment in the hospital and the need to suffer the torture of ‘hospital food’ as this would be a real ‘backfire’ of the plan. It should only be a few hours before one can be sent back home along with a nice pair of crutches to aid pedatation, safe in the knowledge that one now has a valid reason for rest and recuperation.

      A truly cunning plan Baldrick, if I say so myself, of course you can still send gifts of wine and chocolates to aid the patients recovery, all will be greatly received I am sure!

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